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Monday, November 5, 2018

Sometimes You Just Have To Ask For Help

Remember me?
Long time no see. I'd love to tell you that my life is just so deliciously busy that the blogging has been very hard to fit into it - but it just isn't so.

The truth of the matter is my life sucks a lot right now. I mean a whole lot. I mean more than I can handle. And if you've been following this blog and following my blog before that it Woman's Day, you know I can handle a lot.

Several things have come down in the last few weeks. First I had a big setback physically. My doctor tells me that my brain is reknitting pathways and every so often it'll hit a roadblock. While it's pushing through or finding the work-around things, are going to be a little more difficult physically until that all resolves itself. There's not much I can do except try to treat myself a little nicer those days, and maybe up my muscle relaxers a little more, but it's not like I can just take a week off and loll around on the couch whenever I'm not feeling great. I have a day job that requires me to be there. I can do an occasional work-from-home situation when I've got a sick kid or something but I certainly can't be taking a week off at a time whenever I need it. My bosses have been terrific, but the work needs to be done and I need to be there to do it.

In a perfect world we'd have Universal Health Care that would give you a year off to recover from a stroke and a decent rate of disability pay that you could actually live on and pay your bills with. We don't live in that world though, so I went back to work four months after my stroke and improvement has been two steps forward and one step back the entire time since then. I'm tired of it.

And to add on to this big suck sandwich, I made a giant goof at work - one that literally came from a brain fart that wouldn't have been any big deal normally, but there were some extreme circumstances involved. I can't go into details but suffice it to say if I hadn't had almost a decade of terrific service there and a very understanding boss (and a recent brain injury that might explain why the hell I totally brain farted something as important as this was), I would have likely lost my job. Just about anywhere else, I surely would have. I am incredibly grateful it did not work out that way and did a ton of damage control in the last two weeks to make up for this. Everything's back to all right now but it will be a long time before things are normal. I feel like I'm being watched with eagle eyes because they have genuine worry as to whether or not I can do this job now, and I don't blame them.

The final cherry on top of this giant craptacular sundae is it I'm having difficulty with my publisher. It was a lifelong dream to see myself become a traditionally published author. To see my book on store shelves, to attend book signings, to panel at San Diego Comic-Con and again at Keystone Comic-Con. To get fan letters and have people posting pictures of my book in their hot little hands from all over the world. I was nominated this year as a Keystone to Reading Secondary Book Awards finalist here in the state of Pennsylvania, voted on by Librarians and students alike. That means the world to me.

But some issues have come up with my publisher. My latest book has gone through multiple revisions - not many of which I have liked. My agent got involved and things have resolved but not exactly the way I wanted. Long story short, I've missed the window on having a book out in 2019 - I knew that already. Now it looks like I may have missed the window for 2020 as well. As a just-past-her-debut author with only two books under my belt, it's practically a death sentence. I'm literally going to have to start all over again because two years is a long time in the book world. When my next book comes out, only my my die-hard fans are going to remember me, and vaguely. All the work I've done over the last four years building my name, building my brand . . . just fades into the wallpaper and I get to work twice as hard to get back on the radar again.

If you've read this far, God bless you, because this has been one long whining blog entry. I pride myself and not being a wallow-er. When life gives me lemons I tossed them over my shoulder and keep on walking. Resilience has always been my M.O. but this feels different. This feels overwhelming and not in a transitory way.

I think for the very first time in my life, I need to seek out some professional help. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to say that because I don't think you should be embarrassed or ashamed to admit when you need help and to seek out that help. Sometimes people need help. This is my time.

I can't tell you what's going to happen with this blog. I've vacillated between letting it go entirely and doing a complete remodel on it because I wanted to look new and fresh so that I could get back to it new and fresh. I just don't have the mental energy for that at the moment, but I'm hopeful that I will eventually. So I'll keep paying the renewal on the domain name and we'll just have to see where it goes. I know you're all still out there, and I know you're rooting for me, even when it feels like I'm not rooting for myself.

Talk to you soon.

1 comment:

  1. I am rooting for you! Therapy is a great place to start - you have dealt with more than many folks deal with in a lifetime. Take care of yourself.