Life With A Side Of Autism


Wednesday, June 20, 2018

The Great Big (Terrifying) Bucket List Thing

For those of you who don't follow my author blog or Instagram account, I had a major announcement today. Major for me, anyway, and on more than one level.

Yep, that's yours truly, sitting on an author panel at San Diego Comic-Con next month. Attending Comic-Con has been a bucket list item for me for ages. Just the attending. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself on an author panel there when I first started writing. Hell, I was just hoping to get published someday. 

So yea, big, big deal for me.Me, the recovering stroke patient.

I spoke with my physical therapist and my doctor before I ever agreed to take this on, and they both think I can do it, as long as I pace myself. My physical therapist has me training like I'm in a marathon. This is going to be a challenge, but a great one, I think.

No guts, no glory, right?

This is big. And I am ready for big, which is, well, big.

See you in San Diego!

Friday, June 15, 2018

These Guys Really Do The Dad Thing With Flair!

Ahhh, fathers. They're strong and supportive and find innovative ways of parenting that keep moms shaking their heads in the background. We love their dorky clothes and corny dad jokes. Father's Day is almost upon us, so lets check out some guys who've really got the Dad thang goin' on.

First, they begin at Dad Training Camp . . .

Friday, June 1, 2018

Time For An Edition Of "What The Hell Am I Looking At?"

I'm still home and off work for a while, so I've got time (and plenty of crazy friends who share odd stuff) so you get to sift through this collection of wildly wrong stuff. Let's begin!

Lookin' sexy!

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Forgetting Your Child In A Car: Don't Think It Can't Happen To You

Over the weekend, someone in a Facebook group I belong to posted a link to an article with helpful tips to keep you from accidentally leaving your baby in a hot car. It suggested putting your laptop bag, purse, or cellphone in the backseat so that you're forced to open the back door and look in the back seat.

Unfortunately, the poster added this comment: "What kind of idiot leaves their kid in the car?"

"A drug addict, probably," added another commenter.

"If you have to put your cellphone in the backseat to keep from forgetting your child, you've got major problems," another chimed in.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Some Days, You Just Can't

It's been a rough week.

My pain level went from about an 8 on a scale from 1 to 10 to somewhere around 12 and decided to hang out there.

Paperwork and red tape and circuitous logic from the insurance companies I'm dealing with is making my head swim, and believe me my head is swimming enough with some of the medication they've got me on.

All of this with the book deadline approaching, and a return to the day job looming on the not so far away horizon.

Thee honest truth? I need to be on a beach somewhere. Like, for the rest of my life. But I don't get that life I get this one, and once I'm over this hump I'll make the most of it. It's just slow going right now.

Thanks for listening to me whine. I promise, we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming soon.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

5 Great Sites For History Lovers

One of the big perks of being a writer is I get to indulge my addiction to history and cultures. I've always sworn that if I hadn't studied the arts, I would have been a cultural anthropologist. History is about stories, after all - of people, of places, of the things that were cherished, or left behind, or passed down. Fascinating stuff.

Anyway, during my research travels across the web, I'm come across some great collections and archive sites. You can fall down a rabbit hole into each one of these and not connect with reality for several hours.

Friday, May 11, 2018

It's Friday! Let's Kick The Weekend Off With A Whole Bunch Of NOPE

It took you a minute to feel the full horror of that pic, didn't it?  Now you probably want to go wash your hand, but there's no time for that - we've got a great big wonderful world of NOPE to explore!

I'm sure you'll want to look your best before our journey - better get a haircut:

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Being An Introvert Makes For Difficulty - Married Or Single

One of the many things that affected our relationship back in my married days was the fact that I was an introvert and married a social butterfly. While my idea of a great evening was being cuddled up on the couch next to him eating food that had preferably been delivered or picked up on the way home from work, his idea of a great night was being out somewhere - a restaurant, a movie, or a bar (not that he was some sort of drunk or anything he just like the festive atmosphere of being at a bar with his friends). 

Happy hours were his forté, while to me they were a form of personal torture. First of all, I don't drink much - mainly because I'm a lightweight and I don't especially like the feeling of being drunk. So there I am at a happy hour nursing one drink over the course of however long I'm stuck there, making small, talk standing around because there's almost never anywhere to sit. I don't play pool either - so unless there's a wicked trivia contest going there's really not much to interest me at a bar for more than about half an hour.

Friday, May 4, 2018

Time For A Little More Bathroom Humor!

This is the third bathroom humor post I've done now, and it boggles my mind that there's enough bathroom fodder to keep on going with this. I am flush with bathroom fodder! Flush, I tell you! And on that note, away we go . . .

This apartment was billed as a "one bed efficiency."

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Settling Into The New Normal

It's amazing how resilient a human being can be. Friday will be two months since I had my stroke, and now I'm settling in to what I call The New Normal.

The New Normal means it's going to take me twice as long and sometimes three times, to do anything. Cooking dinner? Twice as long to chop the vegetables, twice as long to get the packaging open on any kind of meat or side item, twice as long to pack the leftovers away to container, all because it all has to be done one-handed.

Going to the movies? Or the Mall? I'll need my cane - its a visual signal in a busy place that I'm going to be moving slowly, so give me some room, please. I wear my arm sling, too even without the cane because my awkward arm frequently unbalances me with the way it swings.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Healthy Eating Is Now Part Of My Glamorous Lifestyle

Ever since I got out of the hospital, I have been reveling in a world of decent edible food. After three weeks on a hospital diet ,my palate has altered dramatically - and that's a good thing. To say I used to be a salt-aholic would be an understatement. I'm telling you, I would salt my mother before I kissed her. Eating something is simple as fried chicken involved peeling the skin off (because chicken skin is gross) and then salting the meat underneath. In addition to that, I poured an extra pile of salt on my plate to dip the chicken into. I'm not kidding about any of that. When I was a kid, if we had ham at Easter or Christmas, I would salt my ham. So, yeah, the salt thing was a bit extreme.

Now that I know my stroke was partially caused by undiagnosed high blood pressure, I look at salt with very different eyes. It's impossible to eliminate it entirely from your diet, but whoa Nelly, have I cut back. When we go to the movies I allow myself one small fistful of popcorn and that's it. Mexican food? Three tortilla chips with salsa and that's it. And as far as the salt shaker goes at home, I get one shake on whatever it is I'm eating, and the list of things I give salt to has been easily cut by two-thirds.

I am also adding more fruits and vegetables into my diet. The problem is, all of this requires a lot of prep time, cutting and chopping vegetables, figuring out how I want to combine them and season them with the grilled chicken or lean meat on cooking them with or with the quinoa I'm serving them over. And that my friends, is work - and a lot of it. My fatigue level is still pretty high, and I'm also still on a strong dose of muscle relaxesr that isn't necessarily conducive to holding a large, sharp kitchen knife.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Autism Research Study Recruitment Request - With Gift Card Incentive!

I saw this posted on Reddit in their autism community and thought I would pass it along. A doctoral student in Clinical Psychology at Binghamton University (SUNY) is conducting dissertation research investigating how parents of children with autism make decisions regarding their child's treatment.

Here are all the specifics:

Looking for parents of children with ASD to take an online survey about how they view themselves, how they make decisions, and about their experience with specific treatments. The survey will take approximately 30 minutes to complete. This study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board (IRB), and participants will have the option to be entered in a drawing where five people will be selected to each receive a $50 gift card.

Click here to the link to the survey.

If you have further questions you can email the author of the survey at with any questions.

Friday, April 27, 2018

All Signs Point To Friday! Check Out This Hilarious Collection!

 Hooray! Friday! (Not that I'm punching a clock right now, but I still feel the vibe). Let's get right to the fun stuff.

That's quite the apology.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Young Adult Autism:Let The Talks Begin

David is now fourteen, and he's taller than me. He’s a good sized kid and built like a bull moose. As he's aged into puberty he hasn't lost a bit of his exuberance. Somehow David utterly disproves the myth that kids with autism are introverted and withdrawn. He is, as always unfailingly cheerful and friendly. To him, a stranger is just a friend he hasn't met yet.

And while that's a wonderful sunshiney way of looking at life, it creates a series of problems - particularly when you have a kid who doesn't easily read or understand social cues. Facial expressions are generally lost on him unless they are extreme. Gentle or subtle hints sail right over his head.

So I've had to previously address this on occasion, and those occasions are getting more and more frequent as David's height climbs higher, his voice drops lower, and he's looking less and less like a young teen and more like a grown man.

For instance last night we were in Target. David has been on a Disney kick lately, and he was singing from one of his favorite Disney movies. He was off in the movie section while I was shopping elsewhere in the store and as I headed back to his section I could hear him down the aisle as he was singing. I've spoken with him before about singing loudly in public and I have to keep reminding him.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

My Apologies, Folks . . .

Sorry the blogs have been so sporadic lately, but I've been having a lot of muscle tone issues in my arm and leg as my brain reroutes itself to the muscle groups. This results in a whole lot of aches and pains and tightness that we have to work through extra hard in physical therapy. And that, of course means I have to take my muscle relaxers afterwards,and on top of the fatigue I'm already feeling - which is unreal, by the way - means I'm spending the rest of my day sleeping.

That is, until the muscle relaxers wear off and the pain sets in again. So there's this endless cycle of working my muscles, getting pain from my muscles, and medicating my muscles. Work, sleep, work, sleep. And somewhere in there, I'm supposed to be writing my next book! And blogging! And keeping up with all the social media I need to keep up with, particularly since my second book just came out last week. It's more than a little overwhelming.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

A Partial List Of The Crap I Can Do One-Handed

Along with having to blog and also write my next book one-handed, I've had to pick up a whole new range of one-handed skill sets. I shower one-handed, fold laundry one-handed (badly, but I do) and a whole bunch of other stuff like:

Putting on socks one-handed. And don't tell me to use one of these things because my brother got me one and they're useless - because they expect you to get the sock on the contraption one-handed first. Its faster to just maneuver it on your foot with a few choice curse words.

Wrapping a towel in a turban after a shower. Yeah, I can do that one-handed, bitches. Fear me.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Back In The Saddle Again

Getting back to writing every day
Sometimes one-handed
Sometimes with voice recognition software
But always with an audience

Missed you, too, old girl

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

The Great Big Thank You Post

I've been meaning to do this for a while and I feel badly it took me so long to do it but I have a number of people to thank in regards to my rehabilitation.

First, my  neurologist at the University of Kansas Medical Center: Dr. Yunxia Wang, who held my hand and talked me through what was happening to my brain with compassion and calm intelligence as I layed there, scared and weeping.

KU Rehabilitation doctors Schuessler and Eickmeyer,stopped in to see me every morning, remaining positive and upbeat and and celebrating every single one of my successes. I will confess now that I nicknamed Dr. Schuessler “Dr. Dreamboat” and was secretly squealing when he asked for a copy of my book.

My speech therapist Lauren was only with me for a couple of sessions, mostly because as a theatre person I was already doing my vocal warm ups and exercising my mouth, lips, and jaw every chance I got. She still offered some practical instruction and a whole lot of positive support.

Monday, April 16, 2018

A Series Of Fortunate Unfortunate Events

I had a fortunate stroke. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but despite how completely awful it is to have had a stroke at my age, it could have been so much worse.

To begin with, my trip to Kansas City for a family wedding almost didn't happen. I was waiting on my tax refund, not really sure it would come through in time for me to purchase the airline tickets. Lucky for me it did, and we were in Kansas when I had my stroke. Otherwise, it would have been my children's weekend with their father. I would have been home all alone when I had my stroke. My children would have returned from their father's house that morning and found me. Instead, I had my stroke at my brother's home, in front of my sister-in-law, who happens to be an ICU nurse. To go one step further, if I'd had my stroke 8 hours later, or booked the earlier return flight, I would have had my stroke on the plane, sitting next to my kids.

My sister-in-law also happens to work for the University of Kansas Hospital which is where she took me that morning. The University of Kansas hospital has a stroke center -  not something found at every hospital.They also had an open bed in there inpatient rehabilitation facility, also a good piece of luck.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Seven People With Mad Skillz

Do you see this statue? This statue is 'Disillusion' (Il Disinganno) by Francesco Queirolo and dates to 1754. The net is sculpted, too. I cannot fathom that level of skill. Some people are just astoundingly good at stuff. Did you know I can pick up laundry with my toes? And press CTRL-ALT-DELETE with one hand? Being one-handed is pulling out all sorts of skills I never knew I had.

But I digress. You're here to be entertained, so here are five people with crazy levels of skill.

We'll start with this guy and his soccer ball:

Monday, April 9, 2018

Philadelphia's Wells Fargo Center Receives Sensory Inclusion Certification

Philadelphia's Wells Fargo Center is home to both the Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Team and the Philadelphia 76'ers basketball team - as well as thousands of screaming and cheering fans.

Being around that much noise, and movement, the smells from the food vendors, and the flashing scoreboards can make rooting for your favorite team a real challenge for people with sensory processing disorders such as autism.

To better promote inclusion for their fans, Wells Fargo is now offering special "Sensory Kits" for those with sensory challenges. Each kit contains noise-cancelling headphones, a fidget device, a weighted lap blanket, and verbal cue cards. They also have a sensory room where fans can watch the team in a more comfortable, somewhat muted environment.

These accommodations make Wells Fargo is the first arena in Pennsylvania to receive sensory inclusive certification. 

I'm thrilled when I see inclusion at any level, but this will mean the world to so many of those on the spectrum.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Life After A Stroke: A Confluence of Irritants

Recovering from a stroke is more than dealing with your useless hand or your shuffling leg or the fact that you can only smile with one side of your face right now. And I got off light! At least the gray matter is intact and believe me, I truly do realize how fortunate that is, especially after sharing the gym with several patients who weren't as fortunate as I was.

Aside from the frustration of bathing and dressing one-handed, and the exhaustion of trying to walk with a shaking and uncooperative leg, there are other factors I never anticipated.

I got hiccups Lots of them. I'm talking twelve to fifteen times a day. It was my brain trying to rewire its way to my partially-disabled diaphragm. A good sign, the doctors said. But soooo irritating.

Monday, April 2, 2018

"What Is Autism?" A Film Written By People On The Autism Spectrum

It's World Autism Awareness Day, and if you want to know what autism really means, you should go straight to the source.

Friday, March 30, 2018

The Frightening Food Gallery Of Horrifying Hospital Cuisine

Hospital Food. Two words that strike fear in the hearts of mere mortals, and for good reason. I've done some research on the subject, and while some places have truly lovely hospital food, this wasn't one of them. I've received excellent care in this place, but the food . . . oh God, the food . . .

This was one of my first breakfasts. I ordered wheat toast, peanut butter and banana, and I was kind of looking forward to it. What I got was a soggy, plastic-wrapped piece of previously toasted bread, peanut butter, and an unpeeled orange because they ran out of bananas. An unpeeled orange. For the girl with one working hand.

This is 7/8 of a mostly-burnt pizza. I don't know why it's shorn off. It is possible it was used as a weapon, perhaps against demons.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Now Comes The Hard Part: Stroke Rehabilitation

That very next day, I met my team. I had two doctors - at least one of whom checked in with me every morning to check me over, update my status and listen to my concerns. I had a physical therapist with cats named after Harry Potter characters to help me walk, an occupational therapist with the world's smartest dog to help me regain use of my hand and arm and a sweetheart of a speech therapist to help me regain my diction and clarity.  I had a psychologist with the kindest soul, and a social worker who rode herd on paperwork for my insurance company and located outpatient therapy for me back home for when I returned. I had a nutritionist who talked diet and meal planning and a recreational therapist who invited me to group events. I had a nurse and an aide on every shift, and they were all terrific.

Anna and David were making do but it was a lot of stress on Anna. She couldn't hang at her father's house as much due to her part-time job (he lives over an hour away), and her course load of AP-level classes this semester is brutal. She was alone in the house a lot more than I would have liked, but there wasn't a lot of choice, really. David was managing okay once he got used to the new normal. That first week or so I limited our daily contact to texting only. When I said goodbye to the kids the day of the stroke, I wasn't doing too badly. I didn't want to frighten them with how much worse I'd gotten. But we talked and we joked as we texted, and my sister-in-law, neices and nephews all came by to lift my spirits.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: My First Visitor

His name is Escobar
"Eskie" for short
And he's a sweetheart
I'm really tired, I say apologetically
But that's okay with Eskie
He climbed right up and cuddled right in
I even managed to shift my useless arm
and lay it against him
The first time it's moved in two days
Thanks, buddy
You're just what I needed

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Riding The Strokercoaster

I woke Tuesday morning, and I couldn't coordinate my thumb to touch any of my fingers on my left hand. My leg felt heavy, clumsier, and my mouth was sluggish, like talking through marbles. But I could still walk, if wobbly, raise my arm and even clench my fist. Cognitively, I was still hitting all the marks, so while I'd moved up the stroke scale from a two to a five, the plan was to release me to outpatient therapy.

The hospital sent a social worker to discuss my discharge. Who is flying home with you? she asked. No one, I answered. And who will be staying with you to help you while you recuperate? No one. Can you call someone who will? No, not really. But you just had a stroke, she said. And I'm a single mom with no family around me for a thousand miles, I replied. It is what it is. She recommended that I get a wheelchair escort to and from the airport gate since fatigue would make walking that far problematic, and then they released me.

Monday, March 26, 2018

So . . . I Had A Stroke

Wish I had a catchier title.

Actually, I wish I had the most mundane, boring title out some everyday part of my life because that's all the news there is, but it didn't shake out like that. Three weeks ago today, I dodged a bullet - or rather, got grazed by one.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

We Belong To The Light, We Belong To The Thunder - My Daughter & Me

[Special Note: This post originally ran in December of 2013]

God help my daughter when we're in the car and the radio station starts playing eighties music. She is not permitted to change the station under penalty of me singing a whole lot louder.

So the other night when she happened upon Pat Benatar as she was tuning the radio dial and I said (okay, screeched) Stop!

Monday, March 5, 2018

Meet Matthew And Matthew's Mom - Who'd Like To Talk About Autism Stereotypes

I've highlighted this wonderful YouTube channel before and I'm going to do it again. SBSK (Special Books by Special Kids) tells the story of people dealing with conditions and disabilities, giving all of us a chance to virtually "meet" some awesome people. Matthew is one of them, and very much like my own son, David, in that he's a super-friendly and outgoing kid - something that people with autism are often assumed not to be. Check out Matthew's story (and you might want to subscribe to SBSK while you're at it)!

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Temporary Hiatus

Hi everyone - stepping away from the blog through to next week because I'm hanging with my family for a big family wedding this weekend. Catch up with you next week!

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

5 Terrific Appetizer Recipe Gifs

Okay, I'll admit it - I'm totally hooked on recipe gifs. These quick how-to guides make it super simple to whip up whatever it is they're showing off (and they always show the link to the full recipe at the end). And of course, I'm sure mine will totally look exactly as nice as theirs, right? Right?

Oh well, it'll taste good at least. You have to be selective with some of the recipe gifs circulating out there. I swear more than half of the dinner recipe gifs have cream-of-whatever soup as their main ingredient after the protein. Makes me crazy. And half the dessert gifs have cream cheese (which I happen to like) but it does get tiresome to see so many of them.

That being said, I've got a bunch of these that I've actually tried and can give my stamp of approval to. Today, the appetizers! Check 'em out!

This one had my mouth watering: Garlic Parmesan Pretzels

Monday, February 26, 2018

These 5 Companies Offer Adaptive, Sensory-Friendly & Special-Needs Clothing

Having a child with sensory or medical issues can be a real challenge when you're looking for clothes that (a) fit, (b) look good and (c) don't make your kid squirm because they itch or pinch. Here are a few companies who are making it easier to dress your special-needs kid.

Did you know that has an entire shopping department for adaptive clothing and shoes? One of the companies featured is Independence Day Clothing, with elastic waist pants that are easily disguised, pants that can be worn front or back, and super-soft items for those with extreme sensory issues - and their sizes go all the way up to adult!

The Cat & Jack clothing line at Target is an inexpensive and fashionable way to clothe a child that struggles with buttons or zippers, or has things like a G-tube to work around or special sensory needs.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Time For Another Edition Of "What The Hell Did I Just See?"

It's another group of freaky pictures that I've collected! What the hell am I doing with my life, you wonder? Well, the truth is I'm a writer, and we're great on procrastination. And you get the joy of the fruits of my labors! So sit back and prepare to scratch your head or possibly recoil in horror at this latest group of "What the hell did I just see?"

When a Face-Swap goes wrong.

I'll take the elevator, thanks.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

The Power Of One Touch

[Special Note: This post originally ran in November of 2011.]

He was eight simple cells when I first saw him, through an electron microscope.

We went to the doctor’s office that day to have the embryos from our invitro fertilization implanted, and the microbiologist asked us if we’d like to look. Would we! I stepped into the back room and stared at the screen where the microbiologist brought up the eight perfect circles that would eventually, hopefully, become my baby. I reached out to touch the outline of those circles and I remember saying “Come on, baby. I’ve waited my whole life for you. Don’t make me wait anymore. Your sister wants to meet you.”

Five months later, I sat in another doctor’s office, my fingers touching and tracing a tiny printout of my baby. My baby boy, I now knew, and I couldn’t stop my fingers tracing the shape of his head, the way his hand reached up like he was already curious about the world around him. My finger lingered on his hand and I remember thinking I’d be holding it someday.

I lay in bed a few months later, unable to sleep. It was that last hellish three weeks before the due date, and sleep came in 20 minute snatches, interrupted by kicks and prods, heartburn and bathroom breaks. My hand reached down to touch my distended stomach, gently pushing, and I smiled in the dark as my little somebody pushed right back, against my questing fingers. “I love you,” I whispered. And I knew he loved me too. I knew it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Fire Drill

She was late for the bus this morning and I had to drive her to school
I was grumpy about it, too
I barely spoke to her at first 
I was angry that she dawdled in bed too long 
Then she said quietly
We had a fire drill yesterday, in the morning
And then something went wrong
I made a non-committal noise in reply, and she went on
In the afternoon, the alarm went off again, for no reason
It was a glitch, but it scared us all so bad
We'd already had the fire drill, she explained
So nobody knew why the alarm would go off again
We thought maybe somebody had a gun
Teachers made us stay in the classroom while they checked  the hall
Some kids were holding each other and I was hyperventilating
Everyone was upset and wondering if this was it
 But it was just the alarm? I clarified.
Yeah, just the alarm. We were so scared. 

I am scared. And I wish I could have driven right by the school and kept on driving, with her in the car next to me. I wish we could spend the day together, because I'm suddenly wondering how many mothers have dropped off a kid at school and never heard them talk about their day again.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

When You're Taking A Picture Of Cat Poo For Facebook, You Know You've Gone Too Far

[Special Note: This post originally ran in November of 2012]

Ah, the weekend. I can sleep somewhat later (why is it my kids can't wake up on weekdays, but the slightest touch of sunlight to their eyelids on a weekend, and they're ready to bounce off the walls?) and everything's a bit more relaxed. I headed downstairs this morning only to be greeted halfway down the stairwell by a tell-tale stench.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Not Doing The Brain Thing So Good Right Now

Guys, I am seriously brain-numb right now. I had an author event yesterday, I'm under a massive deadline for my next YA book, and I'm going away for a family wedding in two weeks so I'm scrambling to get this book rewritten before then. I feel like I've got a constant fog around my head and the idea of coming up with something new and entertaining right now is enough to make me want to mash my head into the keyboard.

So I'm calling for mercy from the blogger gods this week as they see me to my deadline and I leave you with some reruns. I know you understand me when  I say I can't brain this week. I just don't have it to spare.

Chat ya next week and wish me luck (and brilliance)!

Friday, February 16, 2018

All Signs Point To Friday - Check Out This Hilarious Collection!

Running a little behind this Friday, but better late than never, right? Anyhoo, here's a collection of signs that made me laugh. Hope it works for you, too.

We can't risk another frontal assault - that goose is dynamite!