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Monday, August 17, 2015

When I Am An Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple...But Don't Ask Me To Sell Your Incontinence Products

As a blogger, and one with a decent, if not breathtaking Klout score and a reasonable, if not rabid following, I occasionally get emails from companies who'd like me to blog about their product. 

I haven't done this yet, even though I have no aversion to (a) telling you about a terrific product that I have tried personally and liked and (b) making money while doing so.

The reason this has not yet occurred is because I've only gotten two types of offers. See, the thing is that I'm not your typical sort of Mom Blogger. I don't take pictures of food or post recipes (I should do that, though...I've got some great ones), I don't stay home with my kids (and while not all mom bloggers do, it seems to be a huge portion) and I talk about men and sex sometimes because unlike those stay-at-home mom bloggers, I'm single.

I am also, to put it delicately...."of a certain age." 

That age appears to be "over 40," and that, according to research and marketing, means I should be selling the following:
  • Menopause symptom relief products, including hot flash aids and all sorts of creams to combat vaginal dryness
  • Incontinence products
  • Anything for heartburn or irritable bowels
  • Hair removal kits for your face
Well. Alrighty, then.

See, here's the thing: I might be "of a certain age" but I'm not battling a lot of this yet. And the bits I do battle are more like skirmishes. I've found the occasional stray hair under my chin (WTF is that about? Eff you, lagging estrogen!) but it's not a regular occurrence. The hot flashes I only get if I drink alcohol before bedtime, so I sleep with a fan if I want to have margarita or three at my neighbor's picnic. Big deal. And while I do sincerely regret my love for Taco Bell sometimes (Crunchwrap Supreme is my downfall), I'm not living my life in a bathroom drinking Mylanta, here.

As for the rest...well, I'm lucky enough (?) to have had both my children via c-section and am a firm believer in kegel exercises, so I don't have stress incontinence or any kind of incontinence, for that matter. Thank God.

And while I would love to make some extra money (or as I call it, "money"), I'm getting ready to start (finally!) actively dating, here. The last thing I need is some guy to start reading my blog and see me posting about peeing when you cough and lotions for a dry, crackly vagina. As if it's not hard enough on me, dating when I'm "of a certain age." Yeeesh. 

The other thing I get asked to talk about on occasions (and obviously by someone who hasn't read enough of  my blog to realize I'm a dried up old crone) are sex products and dating sites. I'm half tempted, believe me, because you get a lot of cool, vibrating, edible free stuff that way, but come on - my daughter reads my blog. And while I speak frankly with her about sex and want her to have a healthy attitude toward it, I think she'd bury herself in the ground and pull a boulder on top if I blogged about fuzzy handcuffs and fruit leather underwear.

So you'll excuse me if I take a pass on passing on any savings to you over things I'd rather not be associated with on my blog. All other offers, though, I'm happy to consider. Feel free to send me free wine samples and stuff. I've got a fan right by my bed, and I'm willing to sacrifice for my readers.