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Thursday, July 16, 2015

There's A New Type Of Seaweed That Tastes "Just Like Bacon" - Pardon Me If I'm Skeptical

[Image credit: Getty]

Years ago, the ex and I played host to some friends from out of town who were both vegetarians. We wanted to be as vegetarian-friendly as possible, so I picked up some vegetarian breakfast sausages at the grocery store in anticipation of their visit, and planned to serve them with pancakes for breakfast.

They smelled okay. A little off, but not bad. And they were a little lighter in color than a normal sausage, but could still pass for the real thing. I set the platter on the table and the wife helped herself to one. She put it in her mouth and then her eyes went wide.

"Are you sure this is vegetarian?" she asked. "Because this tastes like meat."

The husband confessed that they had never bought faux breakfast sausage before, so he was unfamiliar with how it ought to look or smell, but he'd be able to tell in an instant if this were meat. He dutifully took a bite and his expression matched his wife's.

"You might want to check the package again," he said, spitting his bite politely into a napkin. "Because that is definitely meat."

I headed back into the kitchen and dug the box out of the trash just as my ex took a big bite.

Oh, the look on his face. The incredulous, terrified look on his face.

I set the empty package of very definitely not meat vegetarian sausage down on the table, picked up a sausage and bit in.

The ex still hadn't moved, and truthfully, I don't think I was capable of movement, either.

Holy crap, did that taste...not right. And the texture was just....

I'm shuddering at the memory. Maybe I could eventually get used to that - I mean, it wasn't vomit-inducing, but it wasn't anything close to the real thing.

I pointed to the box, and managed to push the bite of whatever the hell that was down with a huge gulp of orange juice.

"Perhaps you're not remembering meat properly," I suggested. "It doesn't smell like meat. I doesn't taste at all like meat, and the texture could never be found in a living creature. Ever."

They were reassured, and after a few more experimental bites, they were loving them. I pushed the platter in their direction, assured them they could eat to their heart's content, and then I went and made a pile of bacon to get the taste out of our mouths.


And today, Time magazine is reporting that researchers have found a form of seaweed that's hella healthy and tastes just like bacon.


"Just like" bacon.

You'll excuse me if I don't hold my breath on that.

Or eat it with my pancakes.

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