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Monday, October 27, 2014

Once Upon A Time, Season 4, Episode 5 Recap: The "And That's What You Get For Screwing People Over" Show

[Photo courtesy of ABC Television]

We begin in Storybrooke, with a short scene between Elsa, Emma and Hook that lets us know that Hook still likes Emma and still spends time with Henry just for fun. See, you Captain Swan shippers? It's all warm and wonderful and they even let him ever-so-slightly brush his upper lip against her cheek. Happy now?

During the scene we also learn that (a) Emma badly abuses her power as sheriff, detaining Will Scarlet without due course and refusing him even the decency of a nutritious meal and (b) she does know the Snow Queen after all because Sidney Glass snapped a picture of her arguing with the woman when she first came to Storybrooke - something that Emma has no memory of.

Cue the flashback: Teen Emma meets teen Lily who is obviously more than she appears and is running from a strange man in a car that she can see from half a mile away through a car window in glaring sunlight. Amazing.

And of course, instead of going right to Mr. Gold or the Blue Fairy for a memory-restoring potion, Emma decides to go piss off Regina and wave the pictures under her nose. Regina pretends she has no idea where Sidney is and Emma leaves to drive Elsa deep into the forest, because that's always a good plan in Storybrooke.

Meanwhile, David got Belle to watch the little prince (what else has she got to do? Rumple is off vacationing in the Maldives or something this whole episode) and Psycho-mother Snow reluctantly agrees. On a trip to the sheriff station they discover that Will Scarlet has flown the coup and they decide to go all vigilante on his ass. Does this mean we have a hope of Bandit Snow resurfacing and frumpy Mary Margaret becoming an unpleasant memory? Here's hoping.

Oh, and David just off-handedly tossed out a quick reference to falling through a portal to Asgard so that the writers can call back to it at some point. Probably in the episode where somebody falls through a portal to Asgard. Speaking of which, I'd like to fall through a portal into Asgard.

["Thor" Courtesy of Marvel/Disney]

M'iright, girls? You know what I'm sayin'....

In the meantime, Elsa hears Anna calling her name from deep in the dark woods and decides it's a great idea to go traipsing off after her, And she puts on an incredibly frumpy glittery cloak that looks like a shower curtain event though the cold never bothered her anyway.  Regina talks to Sidney the mirror (Sidney has surprisingly grown some balls now that he's disembodied), and she finds out where the Snow Queen is. Emma returns to her car on the edge of the dark woods, finds Elsa gone and decides to traipse off after her and runs into Regina, who's doing some traipsing of her own. Lots of traipsing in this episode, because I really like that word. Traipse. There, I said it again, just because. Elsa gets herself trapped by the Snow Queen and can only break free when she stops being a wuss.

Regina reminds Emma (in a series of artfully crafted zingers) that bringing Marian back was a real dick move and she ain't got no skillz where magic is concerned. Nice.

[Photo courtesy of ABC Television]

Time to catch up with the teen demographic again, where we find that Emma and Lily are now besties and seriously into felony-level crime. It turns out Lily has a funky tattoo, and is really, really digging on Emma. They take three seconds of gratuitous film footage (which I'm sure will come into play soon) and promise to be besties for evers and evers.

We now move over to David and Snow who have just parted company because Snow is still frumpified and wants to get back and re-attach baby Neal to her bosom. David doesn't give her a bit of guff about this because it turns out he let the knave go (probably because he was starving and being held without due process) just so Snow could find him and feel like she was doing something with her life besides nourishing, nurturing and raising a tiny human being. What a prince of a guy, that David.

Back to our teen felon friendsies who are suddenly discovered by Lily's father, who somehow knew exactly where to find her and gives no thought to breaking and entering himself. It turns out she lied to Emma and she really does have a family that she hates enough to run away from, and instead of asking her if she's in an abusive situation and needs help, teen Emma cuts her cold and ceremonially spit-removes her sharpie tattoo, like the heartless bitch she is.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, we find out that Sidney has been two-timing Regina with the Snow Queen, and Emma and Regina get to fight an enormous Ice Transformer. They vanquish the thing, but the Snow Queen takes Regina's compact mirror. Guess her nose got all shiny, being out in the snow like that. She also manages to immobilize two powerful magical women and for some reason, that doesn't worry either one of them in the slightest. Thank God Elsa showed up to save the day. Too late, though, the Snow Queen got her mirror and that's a big piece of some puzzle she's trying to put together. She frees Sidney, who's going to go be trapped in Storybrooke, apparently without any fear of the fact that Regina is going to burn him alive when she sees him.

Speaking of Regina, Elsa convinces Emma to go after her and she does, making nice and asking Regina to be her new bestie (go suck eggs, Elsa!) and Regina responds by admitting that she doesn't want to kill Emma. Gave me a big, warm, fuzzy feeling.

Eventually, we find out that Will Scarlet played Snow but that's okay because she may have rediscovered her inner bandit when she tracked him down (while walking on a street and hearing him curse while digging in plain sight).

And we finish up with another 45 seconds of Hook, because we need our Hook fix, oh yes, we do. We'll even insert a polaroid picture of Emma and Neal from long ago, just to inject some angst and tension, all leading up to Emma finding that stolen video camera (the one that the cops apparently never noticed on her person when they picked her up and that she never hocked for money in all her time on the streets) and the three seconds of video that is now a minute of video because some kids in her foster home recorded on it and whoops - can I call it? The Snow Queen was her foster Mom. I saw that coming from the beginning. Go me!

So we'll give this episode three hooks out of five:

Mainly because there just wasn't enough Hook in it for me. You didn't even give me some Robin Hood as a consolation prize. Not well done, writers. But I did like the loose ends coming closer together.

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