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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Dear Guy I Don't Know Who Just Facebook Messaged Me

I just got your message.

Hello Pretty, (You wrote

How are you?...I hope you are doing good....Don't be surprise about receiving a message from me...I was just fooling around the site when your beautiful picture got my attention and my breath skip because you are drop dead cute,i will appreciate it if you give us a chance to know each other better..that's if I'm not talking to another man's woman.

Well, now.

At first I had to scratch my head and wonder how it is you showed up in my main message box and not my "other" folder since I don't know you, have never met you, you live nowhere near me geographically, and we never attended school together or shared a workplace.

It turns out, we have a common "friend."

You'll notice, I put that word in quotation marks. I started to begin this sentence with "He's a nice guy, but..." and then I realized that the word "but" is the reason he's not really a nice guy. He reached out to me via Facebook a few years ago - he had a distant tie to a place where I was once employed and he seemed like a nice guy so I accepted his friend request.

That's when it all started.

The personal messages were fast and furious, telling me repeatedly how gorgeous I was, and what a catch he was. How he retired young and loves his life. How he does awesome things and has a great house and tons of free time to lavish all over me because he's just that awesome. Pictures of him by the dozens - smiling, posing, hanging with his kids, standing in front of his house, and reminders with each one that he's happily retired in his fifties (again, because he was awesome enough to be so) and telling me over and over how much he thinks about me.

About me and him. Us.

At first, I played nice. I was just coming out of a failed marriage, and really wasn't interested in dating yet, and told him so. That only made him more determined. He could fix me. Fix everything. I just needed to say "yes."

I said no.

I said it politely. I said it a little more firmly, with a touch of humor. I lost the humor and just said "no."

Then he started posting on my Facebook page, talking about romance and sweeping me off my feet and the two of us and what a great couple we'd make.

I very clearly and very pointedly removed the posts, and I messaged him to tell him not to write anything romantic, sexual, flirty or even overly-friendly on my wall ever again. My daughter saw those posts, when her friend's Mom (who is a friend) was on her Facebook account and I had to explain to her that I did not, in fact, have a secret boyfriend.

So he apologized, and then he posted a long, rambling diatribe to my page about the two of us on an island somewhere, staring into the sunset and that's when I got ugly. He got one more message saying "shut up or I'm blocking you," and he finally, sort-of got the picture.

I say "sort-of" because he stopped posting on my page, but every six months or so, I get a personal message, always with a picture, reminding me that he's living the good life and still thinking about me.

I never reply. I should probably block him, but I honestly worry that he'll show up on my doorstep if I did. He's only a few hours away, in another state. God only knows what he'd do. So I filter him out of most of my posts and I never, ever respond to him. Ever.

And here you are, strange Facebook guy, sending me a slightly creepy message and lo and behold, the only thing to recommend you is your association with my own personal Facebook stalker. You'll understand if I'm less than enthused. Either you know the guy, or (*gulp*) you are the guy, and you're trying a different tactic. I don't care which it is. I'm not talking to you.

And if you are stalker guy, and you're creepy and stalkery enough to have figured out my pen name and are reading this now,


Go be awesome without me, please.

Or, instead of "please," I'll just say leave me the hell alone.

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