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Monday, April 14, 2014

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Life, it seems is moving forward.

Oh, don't get me wrong, it always has been. Even when I've dug in my heels and let it drag me, it still goes on. Even when you feel like you're not moving towards anything, it still goes on.

The kids get older and I get older and I pass the anniversary of my marriage ending or a job beginning, and I keep looking.

I keep looking, because, like U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

But here's the difference now. For the last few years, I've been waiting. Waiting for that life to happen. Waiting for the magical day when the divorce will be done and the book will be written and the money problems will disappear and the weight will be lost and the dating will begin and the life will be what I want it to be.

Somewhere, over the course of the last several months - maybe even a year - I stopped waiting, and I started doing. It was little things at first, but they've made a difference in that forward inertia. And as things are coming together, the divorce is being finalized, the book is written and sent to editors, the money is still a problem but a manageable problem, the weight comes off at a snail's pace, but it's coming off, and I've had a date or two.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Not in love, not in life, not in everything.

Maybe that's a good thing. If I get what I'm looking for, I'll stop looking. And the looking has added so much to my life in ways you cannot believe. It's made me question deep-set beliefs and challenge crippling thought processes and forced me to stop sabotaging myself.

I'm still looking. And I'm a better person for it.

Sing me out, Bono. It's all good here.

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