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Monday, October 28, 2013

That's It! I'm Pleading 'Uterine Derangement'!!

So this wonderful list popped up all over the internet last week and I am having the best time with it. It's a list of reasons for admission to an insane asylum, circa 1864-1869.

The list itself contains dozens of items - do read through, it's quite educational (and bizarre). Here are a few that I really found interesting:

Imaginary Female Trouble
Ooooh, this is a good one, because I have a wild imagination. I can invent all sorts of stuff! I can't come to work today because I wrenched my back when I tried to get out of bed and Chris Hemsworth pulled me back in. I can't do the laundry today because my decorative sofa pillow is really the head of Ryan Reynolds and he tells me that the world can only be made pure by a thirteen hour Netflix Firefly marathon. Yeah, I'm liking this one. A lot.

Uterine Derangement 
I love this. I plan to use it for everything. "Mom, can you drive me to Lexi's house?" "Sorry, honey, my uterus is a bit deranged right now. Maybe later." I can bow out of boring meetings at work: "Four o'clock on a Friday? "Sorry, I can't go over those slides. My uterus is feeling uncommonly deranged." The possibilities for this one are endless.

Masturbation for Thirty Years
( old am I this year...?)

Menstrual Deranged
Wait. This is actually a thing. It really is.

Novel Reading
Put down the Fifty Shades or we'll be forced to get the cuffs. Or maybe you'd like that.

Over Action Of The Mind
I will never be committed on these grounds. Ever.

Periodical Fits
With all due respect, have you ever tried to live with my kids? See how many times you can properly close a box of Cheezits, replace a toilet paper roll or CLOSE THE FREAKING FRONT DOOR. I'M NOT PAYING TO HEAT THE NEIGHBORHOOD YOU KNOW! DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU???

Deranged Masturbation
I'm not even going there. But the mental picture is quite entertaining.

Excitement As Officer
I have no idea exactly what this means, but if the officer is Captain Hook from "Once Upon A Time" (well after all, he is a Captain), I can assure you, I will be excited and likely frothing at the mouth.

Shooting Of Daughter
As the mother of a teenage girl, I'll plead the fifth on whether or not I've been tempted toward this one. I do find it telling that you don't get committed if you shoot your son. I guess they think the boys have it coming.

Rumor of Husband Murder
This is why you keep your gossip to yourselves, Ladies. Loose lips sink ships!

Seduction And Disappointment
Good God. No wonder they retired this list. How the hell would you house all those people in this day and age?

What a marvelous list! I could do this all day, I really could, but my uterus is seriously deranged right now, ever since Jason Momoa appeared to me on a magic slice of lunchmeat and told me to shoot my daughter the next time she peels her jeans off without unzipping them and leaves them inside out on the floor of the bathroom behind the door. DO WE NOT OWN A HAMPER???

Now back to that novel I was reading.

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