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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Once Upon A Time - Season 2, Episode 13 Recap: The Name Game

We begin with Mr. Gold,  coming to collect Emma and calling in his debt. He's got Baelfire's shawl around his neck and he's ready to get the hell out of Dodge. Emma demands that they bring Henry along - apparently she doesn't trust her parents to look after a child (go figure) - and Gold reluctantly agrees.

David pulls him aside to make a request, and it's a warm and heartfelt moment. "This is my family," David says, "If anything happens to them...I'll be devastated." He asks Gold very humbly to take care of them, and Gold assures him they'll come to no harm. They hop in his car and off they go to Logan International Airport.

Back at the loft apartment, Snow is admiring the way that gun holster clings to Charming's shoulders (aren't we all?) when Regina shows up. They both apologize to her for not believing her. She asks to see Henry, and is seriously dismayed by the fact that Emma left town with Henry. Snow tightens that screw a little more by mentioning that Emma doesn't have to get her permission for anything regarding Henry. Regina leaves, and it's obvious she's feeling slighted. David and Snow leave to find Hook, reasoning that he'll know where to find Cora.

I'm just going to drop in the video now (just watch the first scene. Oh hell, watch it all. You can never get too much Hook).Trying to type out the way Killian draws out the word "dwarf" with such dripping, scathing sarcasm is never going to do it justice. And he's soooo flirtatious!

And he uses the word "malfeasance," which burned 
my nerdgirl panties right off my damn body.

Once aboard the ship, he lets them in on Cora's secret plan - she's captured the giant from on top of the beanstalk, shrunk him down and shoved him in a cage, presumably to unleash him upon the citizens of Storybrooke.

And now we flashback to the Enchanted Forest and the top of the beanstalk, where we see our friendly giant, Anton with his father and brothers, all of whom appear to be vegetarian, despite their size. They've given him the nickname "Tiny," and they're discussing the upcoming bean harvest, which has taken them a century of hard labor. Remember that. It's important.

Tiny's in trouble with Dad for spending too much time in the treasure room. His fascination with humankind is a bad thing, Dad says. They're too bloodthirsty and greedy. Anton defends the humans, and can't understand why Dad is painting them all with a tainted brush. It's clear that Anton would like to be doing more with his life than hanging out at the top of a beanstalk. He waits until they're all in bed, and he climbs down.

Snow decides to wake Anton, and when he gets out of his cage, he's understandably freaked out by his new size, and then he lays eyes on David and flips his lid completely, attacking him. Snow steps in with her bow and saves her man, and Anton vows that David will "pay for what he did" before he gets away.

Now we move over to the hospital, where Ruby arrives to visit Belle. She reintroduces herself and brings her some things from home. Belle asks her about all the freaky magic she saw Rumple do and when Ruby gives her vague answers, Belle gets all upset and Nurse Ratched comes in with a hypo of happy juice and shoots her up before carting her away.

Into this scene strolls our visitor, Greg Mendell, who asks if Belle is okay. Ruby reassures him and then asks how he's doing, encouraging him in a totally not creepy way to get better so he can go the hell home, already.

Now we go to Granny's, where David, Snow and Leroy are trying to figure out this whole giant situation over coffee. Snow asks what Anton meant by making David pay for what he did, and David is stumped...until he remembers that there was another guy in the first episode who had his same face - and wasn't a very nice guy.

And that, of course, sends us back to the Enchanted Forest, and there's his twin James, gettin' it on with a hottie in thigh-high white stockings. King George storms in, telling James the kingdom is teetering on bankruptcy and he'd better cool it with the local floozies. The girl seems to take no offense to being cast in that role, either.

George just received word that there's a giant running amok.

The girl pipes up that she'd love a chance to kill a giant, and George forbids it - this giant might be useful.

James and his floozy head off to a tavern, where they find Anton schlepping around outside. They introduce themselves, and to our surprise, Jame's hot chick is none other than a girl named "Jack."

She offers him a piece of mushroom from a far-off land that will change his size temporarily. He takes a bite, and shrinks to normal human size.

David and Jack proceed to wine and dine Anton, who confesses that he's been bullied by his brothers. They fake friendship and poor, love-starved Anton laps it up. Jack explains that the kingdom is in serious debt. Anton tells her that their treasure room at the top of the beanstalk can probably save the kingdom, and offers to go home to collect it.

Forward again, but this time to the airport, where a visibly nervous Mr. Gold is getting ready to go through security, and Henry. like a typical kid, is playing twenty questions and getting on his last nerve. There's a moment of panic when security demands that Gold take off the shawl (why, I don't know), but Emma sees him through and puts it right back around him, bringing him back to himself.

He's shaken by this, and takes some time alone in the bathroom, clearly eaten alive with nerves over meeting up with Baelfire again, after all these years and the monstrous wrong he did. He beats the crap out of a seat cover dispenser and Henry comes in to get him.(And this scene is exceptionally well-played, as always, by Bobby Carlyle).

Over in Storybrooke, meantime, Hook puts a playing card down (the queen of hearts, of course) on the ground, hoping to call Cora, but he gets Regina instead. She lets him know that she and Cora have reconciled and asks what he's been doing.

Oh, Hook. You naughty, naughty pirate.

Hook goes on to explain that Anton took one look at David and became extremely murderous, which of course, thrills Regina to no end. She tracks down Anton and gives him some Mr. Clean Magic Eraser magic mushroom to eat. He does, and it turns him big again.

Flashback to the Enchanted Forest, and Anton is telling his Dad that he's going back to the human world because he has friends there. Unbeknownst to him, Jack and James have followed him up and are now leading an attack against his home. Anton is visibly hurt by their betrayal,

Forward to Storybrooke again, where the now-big-again Anton is going on a murderous rampage. David tries to reason with him, explaining that he's not his evil twin. Snow mentions that Emma is their daughter, but of course, she can't produce Emma because Emma is out of town. Anton calls bullshit and starts a-trampling again. This leads to one of the funniest damn exchanges ever written for the show - God, I love it when the writers poke fun at themselves.

David finally decides to sacrifice himself in order to save the town. Anton falls through a sinkhole built on plot convenience and for some reason it shrinks him back down again in a cloud of magical blue smoke. He's hanging onto a pipe and in imminent danger of death.

David lowers himself into the hole and rescues Anton, who decides that David may not be a bad guy after all. He and Grumpy and Snow take him back to Granny's, where Grumpy convinces him that Storybrooke is sort of the island of misfit fairytales and he shows them his bean sprout, revealing that he may have a way for them to finally go back home.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, the human army has killed everyone but Anton and dear old Dad, who charges Anton to protect the beans - to destroy them and keep them out of human hands, otherwise they'll spread violence and death to every realm. Then he's stabbed with a poisoned sword, by Jack of course - but not before he grievously wounds her. She begs James to save her, and he takes off like the dick he is. 

Dad passes on the last bean sprout, but Anton reminds him that he's burned the fields and salted the land - he'll never be able to grow anything there again. Dad tells him that someday, he'll find new land....and then he dies, leaving Anton - sweet, cherub-faced Anton - all alone.

Poor, sad Anton...

Forward again to Storybrooke, where the dwarves, Snow and David are out standing in a field with Anton, who says the soil is perfect for growing beans. He cautions them, though, that this is what Cora brought him here to do - grow beans. Leroy tells him that no one's touching their crop, and hands him an axe, which pretty much makes him an honorary dwarf. The handle of the axe shows his 'dwarf' name: Tiny. They all begin digging.

And now back to my earlier point: They just said it takes a freaking century to grow a harvestable crop. Cora isn't going to wait a century for these beans, and neither are the writers, who apparently slept through Continuity 101.

Anyway, over at the hospital, and Greg Mendell is talking to Belle. He tells her he saw some freaky magical stuff, too, and she's definitely not crazy.

Back at Granny's, the Charmings are fresh off their latest adventure and Snow admits it was hella fun running around with a bow on her back again. David reminds her that once the beans are harvested, they can go home and do that every day and she balks. She doesn't think that Emma would go with them, if they went to the Enchanted Forest.

Which moves us over to Emma and Henry, sitting on a plane next to a visibly terrified Mr. Gold. Emma actually feels sorry for him, despite his previously manipulative and dastardly ways, and she tries to reassure him.

"Don't worry," she says. "We're going to find your son."
His eyes widened even further, and he can barely choke out his reply:
"I know."

I'm giving this one five hooks out of five.

There was a lot of great writing in this - the twist with Jack, snappy lines, flirty Hook, and a very, very human Mr. Gold who makes us crazy with the need to know what'll happen when he finally comes face to face with Baelfire.

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