Life With A Side Of Autism

LIFE WITH A SIDE OF AUTISM

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Red-Eyed Monster

I think I've turned a corner in getting over my divorce. Suddenly, after months and months (OK, two+ years) of dormancy, my libido has suddenly woken up.

With a vengeance.

It is hungry. It is wild. And it demands satisfaction. NOW.

And there's the problem for me. In this liberated day and age I can definitely say that I have no qualms about sleeping with a guy I'm only dating.

Except, my soon-to-be-ex husband was of the very few guys I've ever slept with. He was my one and only for well over a quarter century, and now....

Now I get to start all over again, except without the firm, perky boobs I was blessed with then, the thin, muscular body with a booty that you could bounce a quarter off of, or the college schedule that let me stay out till dawn any day of the week I felt like doing so. I'm older. I'm wiser.

I'm a whole lot more tired.

I have a few lines on my forehead that didn't used to be there, but no crow's feet yet (mercifully). I have a few more pounds and a vivid red c-section scar that I can't look at as anything but a badge of honor. And along with all these self-esteem pricking issues, I have absolutely no idea what I want.

Do I want to be married again? I'm not sure. Doubtful, even.

Do I want a long-term relationship? Probably.

But I'm more than willing to not have one, too. I tell myself I'm a full grown woman and if I meet a guy and sparks fly, I don't need to be demure about it. I can look him in the eye, tell him what I want and go ahead and take it.

I won't though. I just know I won't. The truth is, I never was a girl who could do that, and I doubt I am now, rusty after a quarter century of not dating and never having dated much in my youth to begin with.

So I relegate myself to watching mediocre movies that feature shirtless men (I just rented "Immortals" on Redbox this weekend!), I write a lot of bad steamy romance stories (that will never see the light of day, I assure you) and I vividly dream about stuff that I pray I'm not talking about in my sleep because my kids sneak into my bed sometimes.

And I wait.

I just wish I knew what I was waiting for.

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