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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Confessions Of A Public Mumbler

When my ex walked out and my budget became a nightmare, one of the first luxuries to go was satellite radio in my car. It was a no-brainer for me, really - the only time I used it was when my daughter and her friends were in the car, and wanted to hear Radio Disney. When I ride in the car alone to and from work, I almost never play music.

That's because I'm too busy having a conversation.

With nobody.

Let me clarify. I'm actually having the conversation with somebody, but they're not in the car. I'm not hearing voices telling me to drink the blood of an owl and dance naked on the interstate or anything. I just have a bad habit.

I talk to myself. All the time. I mean all the damn time.

In the car, I get to really let loose and have long, ranting or enlightening talks with everybody that needs to hear what I have to say: my ex, my kids, my boss, my coworkers, my high school nemesis, the cashier at Wal-Mart who put my eggs on top of my bread....I even talk to the future guys I'm going to date someday. (I'll get around to it....)

Just like George Costanza, reliving his "Jerk Store" conversation in the glory of his own mind, I have wild, imaginative, incredibly brilliant conversations with people all the time. They just don't happen to be there when I do, is all. When I'm in the privacy of my home or my car, that's no big deal. When I'm walking in the mall or pumping gas or in the hallway at work, it can get embarrassing. I'm smart enough to keep the volume down (usually) and mumble more than talk, but I still get caught with what seems like annoying regularity. I try to bob my head or something and make it look like I was singing, which might work if my hands weren't gesturing like an Italian mobster's Mama while I do it. At work I just play it off and pretend I'm so very busy, I have to talk to myself to remember things. That just makes me quirky and not nuts.

I'm not nuts. I just like to talk.

To people who aren't there.

Everybody does it, right? Right??

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